De brief is van Staas aan Deijs en liegt er niet om. Het handschrift is helaas af en toe moeilijk te ontcijferen, maar ik geloof dat dit er staat:
'How to begin I don't know and how to end I have not the slightest idea.
When you will receive this letter I will be no more that is I will not live longer amongst men. The wire I send you today was all trash so have been my doings with you all the time.
But at the last moment there comes regret often to late.
You don't know what it is and I hope you never will know what it means to take a friend down. God forbit it is the most horrible feeling, you can know, Im drunken and I am happy for it, but the nights I spend sober I would not recall for anything in the world.
I have speculated and failed what have been done by hundreds like myself, always thinking, to gain and loosing all the time. Your money I have spend, that is right, but at the same time knowing how far to go. Tillens owes me about £550 five hundred pounds he can not denie it as I have [?] out against him in the high court at Cape Town - Bekker & Swemmer got the copy papers but Van Zijl & [?] Church square Cape Town hold the original. As I don't want any more money in the life 'am going to, you must claim this amount as your own. I herewith give you power to act as mine agent to recover the money Tillen really owes to me. How I like to call you dear Pieter but I know it is out of place. I have ment well but could not fulfill that what I promissed for me is the wide world like nothing. If I only had the pluck and tell you everything it would be much better but I had not. Still there may come a time that I can amend things as they should be but when I don't know. How I should like to speak to you you know God only knows but it is late and cannot be helped. I leave Standerton for what place I don't know yet: the great world wide as it ever has been my home. Don't think for a moment am happy no far from it I got the curse of a good fellow friend on me.
The only fault I had I was to much of a speculator and not always telling the porters [?] I was doing business with the thruth. Afraid to hurt myself in the beginning I did so in the end.
I have eaten your food, slept in your bed and still I return you nothing for thanks.
What will become of me I don't know. I see the time that as so many times before I shall take my own life. I had no pluck to do so up till now. There is nothing that binds me here only my mother she is still alive and she will feel the shock more than any one.
Am mad as I am writing to you for God sake forgive me I was put into it without knowing what I was doing; I cannot think reasonable there seems to me a cloud some where and I cannot see what it is.
You have been good to me, better than any one I know before and to think that I must return your goodness as I have done that makes me mad, no worse than mad. There is not such feeling at heart than to be an enemy to a friend. The world is wide. I as a broken man will enter it where I don't know yet but I will and shall fight my way if I can: thinking of those obligations I have to fulfill which are to me and shall be to my last day.
Enough of this rott. I am guilty and I can not say other wise. I took the money for horses and harnas to get out. If taken before I reached my goals well I will suffer the penalty but if not I shall make a brave fight for it to redeem that claim. Life is short but still long enough to give any person a great experience. And we are all players in the worlds playhouse. I might see you before you think or rather before I think. I thought of committing suicide tonight but what is the good, better keep on and if I got a change in life than I can redeem my pledge to you. If unfortunate things go different so that I never shall have a look in your will be just the same off I could write to you for hours but time not permit and I must come to facts only now.
Albert will remain here untill you take possesion of the house. Be quick as there are lots of people I owe money to.
I have sold cart and horses - in fact the cart did not belong to me. Horses and harnas I sold for £32.00 I must still pay the one I bought the horses of £15.10.0 I lost on the whole thing about £ 14.0.0 - There are lots of small accounts standing out to my name, you will have nothing to do with that. Take Mr. Hutchinson as your sollicitor in this town and save what can be safed. Bekken and [?] got my papers from Tillen - but Van Zijl and [?] Church Square Cape Town are my [?] in this case. Tillen must come up one day and even now you can try to get the money from him. The gramaphone and records are still in the house and also your furniture.
I shall give Albert the key and instruct him not to give some to anybody espect you. The belts you will also find in the house, the same number as I took away.
Except you find in the house I got nothing and what is in the house belongs to you...
I took nothing away as I don't want anything more for the present. I hope you can read my letter I am full with emotion and would give anything to have you here to talk to but that can not be.
Of course you will curse me but I have done for the best. I lost that is all. I should not have speculated other peoples money but what can you do when you have none of your own!
Believe me that I shall be the first one to return to every one soon I got the change.
I must close now, find enclosed some papers of value to you.
And don't think I am not as signed yours CJW Staas.'
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